Why Love Triggers the F*ck Out of Us
How love exposes our wounds.
Part 2 of a 3-Part Series on Dick Schwartz’s You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For
“Intimate relationships don’t create our wounds—they expose them.”
If you’ve ever felt blindsided by the intensity of your reactions in a relationship—rage, shutdown, panic, numbness—you’re not alone. Also, you’re not broken. These moments are signposts. Know that these signposts are not indicators of failure, but of deep emotional logic.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) calls them protector responses, and they often show up when something tender beneath the surface—an exile—is getting stirred.
What’s an Exile?
In IFS, exiles are the younger, more vulnerable parts of us that carry shame, terror, longing, or grief. These are the parts that were overwhelmed, abandoned, ridiculed, or neglected when we were too small to make sense of it. Rather than feeling these emotions again and again, our internal system learns to bury them—and instead deploys protectors to keep them tucked far away.
As the exile is buried, the pain is not erased or nor does it evaporate. The feelings don’t vanish; they wait.
Often, they wait for the intimacy of adult partnership to resurface.
In our closest relationships—the ones that start to feel safe, the ones that matter most—that begin to resemble the emotional territory where those exiles were first born. Our systems detect even the slightest echo of rejection or abandonment and brace for impact. That’s when we lash out or shut down.
The Heartbreak of Buried Joy
One of the more surprising insights Schwartz offers is this: we don’t just exile pain. We also exile joy—especially if joy was followed by shame or loss.
For example:
A child sings joyfully, only to be told, “Quiet down, you’re being annoying.”
A burst of confidence is met with punishment.
A deep moment of connection is followed by abandonment.
Eventually, even goodness can feel dangerous. So when love, lightness, or vulnerability shows up in adulthood, parts of us flinch. We back away. We sabotage. We mistrust what feels good.
Attachment and the “Tor-Mentor”
Let me take a minute to introduce this stunning idea. It is full of opportunity and agency, but often full of challenge as well. Schwartz introduces the concept of the tor-mentor—a partner who simultaneously triggers your deepest wounds and offers the exact kind of connection that might heal them.
In IFS terms, this is no accident. Our protectors and exiles often scan for someone who matches our early relational imprint. They believe, “If I can just get this person to love me the way I needed back then, I’ll finally be okay.” Full of hope and longing and tired of being in pain, the parts dream of the relief they will feel.
However instead of healing, this often leads to polarization.
When Parts Polarize
You’ve seen this before:
One partner gets louder, more controlling, more desperate.
The other becomes more withdrawn, more shut down, more unreachable.
Each person’s protectors are reacting to the other’s protectors. I call this a “parts party”, it’s just not the fun kind of party! Then the real pain—the exiled pain beneath—is rarely seen or heard.
Polarizations aren’t just disagreements. They’re looping survival strategies, each trying to save the system from a deeper emotional flood. The longer we stay in protector vs. protector mode, the further we drift from the kind of intimacy we long for.
Don’t despair yet, there’s a way out and surprisingly enough it doesn’t require fixing your partner.
Coming in Part 3: Becoming the One You’ve Been Waiting For
In the final post of this series, we’ll explore what it means to grow toward Self-leadership—the IFS concept reflecting the idea that healing doesn’t come from fighting with our parts, but from getting to know and lead them with compassion. We’ll look at:
How to build a relationship with your exiles
How to be your own primary caretaker (without giving up on connection)
What it means to speak for a part instead of from it
How to move from blame to curiosity in relationships
The goal isn’t perfection. It’s connection—from the inside out.